The Conflict of Emotional Enmeshment

 

                                                    Photo by Norbert Braun

Enmeshment defined

The word enmeshment does not get used very often in everyday conversation. It is a term I have only heard a handful of times and never gave much thought to its meaning. It's used by psychologists to describe a situation when the boundaries between people become unclear and people start to lose their focus on individuality. A person's sense of self becomes lost and no longer distinguishable from others. Enmeshment can be looked at many facets such as in parenting, relationships and career.

Parenting styles from a different lens

Parents can mischaracterize themselves as sometimes too involved with their children. The term Helicopter Parent gets thrown around quite often but with enmeshment it is a little different. The idea here is that the parents over love the child to the point of co-dependency. The parent will use the child for companionship which they are not getting elsewhere from their partner or friends. For example, if one parent does not get much attention from their partner like going for date night then they will make up for that lost connection by spending more time with the child.

Psychologists believe there is really no blaming the parent for this type of behaviour as usually they are unaware that they are even behaving this way and possibly damaging the relationship with the child. They will feel that this is proper parenting and cannot do not any better. In actuality this can be very destructive. The parents may have many unmet needs from their own childhood or never received the right amount of attention from their own parents.

Here is a great summary of enmeshment from Dr. Ken Adams

Couples Joined at the Hip

Enmeshment can also be seen in relationships between couples. This is where at least one individual  feels overly connected in the relationship and requires to meet the other's person's needs so badly that they lose touch with their own needs, goals, desires and feelings. The even thought of being away from their loved ones can produce high levels of anxiety. A person's identity may not seem clear to the self and so they may act out by smothering the other in the relationship.

We can ask ourselves simple questions to know if we are enmeshed in our relationship

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Do your feelings matter or are you focusing most of your attention on how the other may feel?

Perfect example can be one person feels reluctant to perform a household chore like cleaning the house but is afraid of the method in which it is done. Will my partner be upset at me if I do not clean the house to their standards?

Do you see your perspective at all when it comes to doing anything or is it always about how the other person feels? Sometimes couples will have heated discussions on various topics and one side may not want to give their full opinion in the chance that they might offend the others' feelings. This leaves the one side as not being able to express how they truly feel.

Do you sacrifice all your dreams and goals just to make the other person feel better? A classic example of this would be a stay at home mother who decides to be the homemaker and take care of the kids while the husband gets to be the sole bread winner. Maybe the homemaker has aspirations to do greater things like a professional career. We should not put the needs of others as higher priority over our own needs. This is what becomes enmeshed in our soul because we are not living in harmony with yourself.

                                            Photo by Charlesdeluvio

Work 24/7

Can your career be your whole identity? I am sure we know plenty of people who are the textbook workaholics. This is a very common thing in everyday society. People often associate work or career as the source of their happiness and fulfillment. Don't get me wrong, a good career can be rewarding at many levels like abundance of pay and a sense of purpose. However, once that career becomes the entire idea of your sense of self then frustration can develop.

People can be married to their work to such a degree that they end up spending all their waking hours there and forget about all the other relationships in their life like family, friends and loving partners. We can look beyond our job title and not get caught up in the pressure of succeeding in our career. Yes our job does give us great rewards but I am reminded of the great comedian John Candy in one of his movies say "Like your job, Love your Wife" 

Set your Boundaries

In order to be fully fulfilled in life and be truly at one with your sense of self we need to set boundaries. This can be apparent in couple's relationships, parenting and career. Boundaries can be easily broken. Enmeshment in parenting can cause children to feel that they don't have any privacy as their parents are always hovering around them. In couple's relationships, one partner may feel always in need of being around the other partner and tend to feel smothered. 

Our jobs, children and loving partners are not responsible to meet the needs of ourselves. With better awareness we as individuals will be better able to take care of our own life's goals, needs and desires. I am not saying do not be close with your children or partner and dedicated to your career. However, to better develop as human beings we need to be embraced in learning and having new experiences which are aligned with what we truly want. Focus on being your true self and not what others expect of you.

Recommended Reading: The Analects by Confucius 

 

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