Setting Boundaries

 There is sometimes this sense of obligation we feel to help others, especially the ones that are close to us like family and friends. However, we have to realize that being a people pleaser can get us into trouble with our internal selves. In my view it is important to set boundaries so we can strip away the guilt we sometimes feel towards pleasing other people and thus create healthier relationships. 

Establishing Limits

Boundaries are the limits we set with ourselves around what we will or will not tolerate from other people. The trouble is we usually have not clearly defined what those limits are so then that causes others to continually cross those lines. In the end we are the ones who then become emotionally distraught by the lack of action we should be taking to set those boundaries.

The snow ball effect starts to take root where we over commit to helping others with their needs. Those commitments turn into a compounding weight on our shoulders because we don't always have the time or patience to deal with other's needs. We need to take that time and energy to address our own needs first.

Say No with kindness

We say yes all the time when we really should be saying no. The word no sounds always very negative so I totally understand why its difficult to express. We sometimes say yes just to keep the peace with family and friends so they will be happy and appreciate us. When we take on the role to be these people pleasers we spend a lot of time and energy managing the perceptions of others and then taking on more responsibility then we can handle.

A tremendous strain on our well being is not the best course of action at the comfort of others. We need to take back our power and control how we spend our precious time. Remember nobody is going to take care of you better than yourself. You are your number one priority. Be kind and learn to say no.

Here's a great summarizing video by The Prevention Connection

Express your Honest Thoughts

With great self-awareness you can get to the core of your true self, how you feel about everyday issues and how to set your boundaries. Be honest about what your desires are, what is good for you and understand that your needs come first. Do not allow other people to decide for you what's best for you.

Remember that people are not mind readers so they don't know how you feel unless you communicate and express your desires. Nobody is going to know how you stand on any issue unless you voice what your boundaries are. Express your truth and how you feel even if it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes we will offend others and that's ok since we need stand our ground.

We need to understand that we are not responsible for other people's feelings. Yes, that's true and very uncomfortable to hear. If someone is offended or sad because of your boundaries then its on them. There is no need to try and heal everyone else from emotional pain when you are the one who is hurting the most by not setting limits. Learning to love yourself and prioritizing your well being should be your number one prerogative. 

Establish Values

When two individuals respect each other's boundaries they in turn respect each other's values. We should not feel guilty to say no. Being treated with respect is of the upmost importance and that respect goes both ways. Remember that you have the right to not meet other's unreasonable expectations.

We are always tested in life on many scales. There will be times when someone does something that you are troubled with or put in a situation where you feel obligated to violate a boundary. So we need to brace ourselves for those situations by wanting our values to be treated with respect by sticking to the line in the sand.

 Recommended Reading: Why Good People do Bad Things by James Hollis PHD

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